the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
