If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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