I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
