my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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