I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
