She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
