the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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