I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
