I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just tell him i said nine months
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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