My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
