This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
