And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
