there's paper in my vomit.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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