Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
