you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
