You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
