Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
