I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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