Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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