i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
