i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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