Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
