Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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