Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize