i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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