Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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