the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
