Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Randomize
