Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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