Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
