Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
