I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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