pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
