I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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