Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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