so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's rum buckets o'clock
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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