And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
