Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
