i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
