Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
