he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
