my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
