we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the condom got lost in my hair
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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