Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
