"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Randomize
