So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize