Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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