i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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