You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize