She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
