why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
