You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
