I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize