man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Randomize
