The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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