I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
